It is one of the most frequently asked questions in the bedroom: you would like to experiment with a sex toy, but how do you tell your partner? Many people are afraid of the reaction. What if he or she thinks: “Am I not good enough anymore?” or “Am I doing something wrong?”
Let’s dispel that biggest myth right away: a sex toy is not a replacement, it is an addition. Think of your sex life as a delicious dish you cooked together. A toy is simply a little extra salt and pepper to make the flavor even more intense. After all, a battery-powered vibrator or masturbator cannot cuddle, kiss, talk, or make love.
Nevertheless, the conversation can be quite nerve-wracking. With these five tips, you can introduce a toy in a relaxed, positive way so that you both enjoy it.
- Timing is everything (Don’t bring it up in the middle of it)
The worst moment to bring up a sex toy for the first time? Right after sex, or precisely when things aren’t going so well. Your partner might quickly take this as criticism.
So how should you do it? Choose a neutral, relaxed moment. During a walk, on the couch with a glass of wine, or when you happen to be talking about an exciting movie or series. Don’t make it too heavy; it should simply be a fun and lighthearted topic of conversation.
- Use the ‘We’ form
How you phrase it makes a world of difference. Try to avoid sentences that sound like something is missing (such as: “I’m missing something” or “I can’t manage it this way”).
So how should you do it? Focus on discovering things together. For example, say: “I recently read something about couples using toys and that made me quite curious. Would you like to try something new together?” This way, you make it a shared adventure instead of a personal ‘problem’.
- Give compliments (and alleviate insecurity)
If your partner reacts with a bit of insecurity, acknowledge it. It is a very human reaction! Explain that a toy is purely aimed at constant, mechanical stimulation (such as vibration), but that this pales in comparison to the intimacy you share.
Tip: Combine your suggestion with a compliment. “I love what we do together and I enjoy your body immensely. I just think that a toy could help us make it even more intense and easier for both of us.”
- Start small and accessible
If you have never used a toy before, it might not be the best idea to immediately pull out the biggest dildo or an extreme BDSM set. This can be intimidating.
Where do you start? Opt for ‘couple toys’. A vibrating cock ring is perfect: it gives her extra stimulation and ensures a harder, longer-lasting erection for him. A small, quiet bullet vibrator, massage candles, or a warming lubricant are also fantastic, accessible ways to stimulate the senses.
- Go ‘window shopping’ online together
Turn the browsing into a kind of foreplay! Get together behind the laptop or tablet and scroll through the webshop. Agree that you can both point out one or two things that seem exciting to you. By looking at what is available together, you will naturally discover what you are both curious about and what the boundaries are.
Ready to take the next step together?
Remember that the most important thing is that you both feel comfortable. Communication is the very best foreplay. Feel free to subtly forward this article to your partner, or surprise each other with a small, accessible gift for your next date night!
